Kumogakure's Rules
by irondragonbookworm
Summary: Kumogakure's 'Things not to do' list.
1. Chapter 1

Kumogakure: List of things NOT to do

AN: I just thought of what Kumo's forbidden list might be. I've read some of these about Konoha, so yeah.

1. No more illegally obtained baby turtles. They are a protected species and they distract the kunoichi to no end.

2. Mountain lions/cougars/wolves are NOT appropriate pets.

2a. Bobcats/wolverines/mountain goats are.

3. Playing on the wires and metal framework above the village is dangerous, even for a shinobi.

4. Cats are not to be harmed. It is your own fault when Yugito hurts you for it.

5. Selling tickets to 'the best enka rapping ever' is not acceptable. *cough* Omoi and Karui *cough* Especially if it is Bee performing.

6. Letting Academy students have free reign of the Raikage Mountain with permanent markers is forbidden. Forever.

7. Having slumber parties in the girls restroom is not allowed. Even if you're a girl.

8. No more taking money from the budget to do stupid things like turning the girls restroom into a dressing room/spa/relaxation area.

9. Flash mobbing the central market with Bee's enka will be dealt with using excessive force.

9a. That goes for flash mobbing Bee's 'music' anywhere.

10. When Konoha delegations come to Kumo, avoid the Hyuugas. Don't look at them, don't talk to them, and for Kami's sake: DO NOT MAKE ANY EYE STEALING JOKES.


	2. Chapter 2

Rule 1: Illegally obtained baby turtles.

A, the current Raikage, walked out of his office to at lunchtime, planning to get something to eat, when he heard noises coming from a side room. He slammed open the door and yelled "What's goin' on?!"

Around fifteen kunoichi turned to look at him in surprise. Mabui, being closest to the door, thrust her hand in his face. "Look Raikage-sama, isn't it adorable?"

A stared at the baby turtle an inch from his nose. "What the-?!"

He looked at the seven other tiny turtles playing on a blanket. "Seriously?! Please tell me you guys got these legally. I do NOT want the Land of Lightning's Endangered Species Protection on my ass. I really don't."

Karui and Samui looked at each other guiltily. Karui rubbed the back of her head, "Yeah, about that. Me an' Samui over here saw them on the beach- which is where we were totally supposed to be- and thought they were really cute. So, we kinda just gathered them up."

She grinned sheepishly. A facepalmed himself. "Oh God. Just find a park, or a zoo to put them by the end of the week."

"Yes sir."

A walked out of the room with a growing headache.


	3. Chapter 3

Rule 2: Mountain lions, cougars, and wolves.

A, Darui, and C stood awkwardly near the door to the jounin lounge. Yugito was sitting on a sofa with a giant mountain lion sprawled across her lap.

"Ah... Yugito... Why exactly do you have that?" C asked a bit nervously.

The blonde woman fixed him with a scornful look. "Because. She's my new pet. Obviously. Her name is Pasha."

A nodded slowly. "Right. Well. Large carnivorus animals are not allowed as pets."

Yugito narrowed her eyes. "I can't keep Pasha?"

"No, no. You're the exception." He said quickly. "You of all people know how to handle big cats."

Yugito gave a small smirk. "Good. Now, where's Bee? I think Pasha is in need of a new chew- I mean, friend."


	4. Chapter 4

Rule 2a. Bobcats, wolverines, mountain goats.

"Hey boss! Look at my awesome new pet!" Darui exclaimed, holding it out.

"Is that a mountain goat?" A asked, extremely confused.

"Yup! Because you said no wolves or mountain lions or anything like that."

"I suppose I did." A conceded. "But why a mountain goat?"

Darui looked at him like he was an idiot. "Because mountain goats are cool. Duh."

A sweatdropped. "Okay..." He said, turning away.

"Oh, yeah! C has this new pet wolverine he found on his last mission!"

A swiveled back around. "Seriously?! You know what, whatever. As long as it doesn't maul anyone.

"Kay boss!" Darui practically skipped out the door, passing Mabui on her way in.

She squealed as she came in. "Look at what I found in my kitchen this morning Raikage-sama! Can I keep her?"

A stared at the bobcat in her arms. "Fine. Whatever. I don't care anymore."

"Thanks!" She said, turning to leave the room.

A lifted his head to the ceiling. "Sometimes I hate my subordinates."


	5. Chapter 5

Rule 3: Wires and metal framework.

"Oh my God! Dude, you're gonna fall!" Karui laughed, tilting her head to look at her teammate and sensei.

"Naw we ain't, girl! But Omoi here might hurl!" Bee rapped from his position on a thin cord 40 feet in the air.

"It's not my fault I don't like heights." Omoi groaned, trying to balance himself on the edge of the metal strip connecting the missions office and the Raikage tower.

Karui laughed again and Samui looked on, unimpressed. She snorted, and started to scale one of the poles. "I bet I can get higher than both of you."

Karui whooped, "You go girl! Show them your awesomeness!"

"I accept your challenge! Loser gets to help the Academy students with target practice!" Bee shouted.

"Uhh, no thanks. I don't think I can handle that." Omoi shouted nervously while trying to climb down.

As Samui and Bee raced up the village framework that extended hundreds of feet in the air, Yugito came up behind Karui. "What's going on?" She asked.

"Samui and Bee-sensei are seeing who can go higher. It's hilarious. Omoi's feeling sick, though." Karui answered, craning her neck to watch the two's progress.

"Huh. Fifty says Bee makes it." Yugito said, looking up at them as well.

Karui turned to look at her. "Really? I thought you always said he was slower than a baby mammoth?"

Yugito rolled her eyes. "He is. In his thinking process. He's pretty fast physically. He's beaten me a few times."

"Damn."

"I know. And I'm pretty damn quick."

They both kinda smiled at each other. Then they heard from behind them- "What the hell?!"

They turned and saw the Raikage coming out from the tower. "Why the hell are those two up there?!" He asked them angrily.

Samui looked from side to side, "Umm..."

"They're racing. Having fun. Of course, you probably don't even know what the word 'fun' means." Yugito retorted.

"I don't give a damn whether they're having fun, they need to get the hell down!" A yelled. "Hey! Get down! Now!"

From their vantage point on the ground, they could see Samui startle at his shout. She slipped and started falling toward the cement. At the last second she flipped around and channeled chakra into her feet, breaking her fall.

"Ow! Damn, I think I broke my ankle." Samui cried.

Bee climbed down to stand next to her. A looked at everyone in the area. "This is going on the rules, you retards."


	6. Chapter 6

Rule 4: Cats are not to be harmed. A small girl sat in an alley. Contrary to how she looked, she was actually sixteen. A few dozen cats and kittens milled around her, purring and rubbing up against her. "Hey, cuties." Yugito cooed. "Aren't you adorable." She fed them breadcrumbs she had in her pocket. Bee was thirty or so feet away, watching the felines warily. "Why are you so afraid of them? Honestly, they're not going to hurt you. Baby." Yugito teased without looking away from the cats. Bee stared at her incredulously. "Seriously? You seem to be forgetting that time I got my legs clawed up by five of those nasty little buggers. Any higher, and I wouldn't be a guy anymore." This made Yugito give a tiny snort and start to laugh. Bee scrunched up his face. "It's not funny!" He wailed. A commotion in the mouth of the alley made them turn. A man was standing there glaring at the cats. "Damn pests!" He growled as he kicked one of them. Yugito got angry. "They're not pests, you unintelligent imbecile!" The guy looked at her and spat in her direction. Muttering "Damn kids." Then he realized who he was talking to. His eyes widened in fear. Yugito ran at him. Later that day, a man was admitted to the hospital and had to be put in a full body cast. 


	7. Chapter 7

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	8. Chapter 8

Rule 6: Academy Students and Markers

When the Raikage stepped out of his office for the first time that day, it was to see the walls and other surfaces of the tower almost completely covered in marker. Scribbles, drawings, the occasional message- REN WAZ HEER, and one foot long section looked as though it had been painted the marker was so thick.

A closed his eyes in irritation, "Mabui! Who the hell let Academy students have markers and be in here?!"

Mabui walked up the stairs and stopped and surveyed the halls.

"Well, at least some of them are artistically talented" She gestured to a rather detailed drawing of a Kumo nin garroting either a Kiri or Konoha nin with a shoelace.

A nodded. "True, but why were they even here in the first place?"

"Oh, one of the instructors- the one with the machetes in the Third War- decided it would be funny."

*Twitch* "I want her put on D-ranks for the next four months."


	9. Chapter 9

Rule 7: Slumber parties in the bathroom.

It was two in the morning in Kumogakure. The Raikage Mountain was nearly empty, the Raikage himself just about to leave. He was walking through the hallway when he passed the female's restroom and heard noises. A's brow furrowed in confusion; there wasn't supposed to be anyone there. He stopped and went to the door and pressed his ear to the cold surface. Inside he could hear... music? And laughter? 'What the hell?' A thought.

He banged his fist against the metal. "What's going on in there?"

The laughter stopped and he heard worried voices. "Oh shit." "What are we gonna do?" "Shit, Mabui, go over there."

The door opened and Mabui stood there. She looked at A. "Yes?" She asked, raising her eyebrow.

"What are you doing?" A demanded.

Mabui rolled her eyes. "We're bonding, having some girl time. Honestly."

A scowled. "Well go to a bar and bond, don't do it in the damn bathroom. This isn't a club."

Mabui pouted slightly. "Fine", she sniffed, turning around.

"Come on, everyone. Let's go to the bar near Hotaru's place."

There was a chorus of groans and grumbling. Mabui stalked past A, with about twenty-five kunoichi following. They all gave him dirty looks as they passed him.

"Women", he muttered, while walking to exit. He'd never understand them.


	10. Chapter 10

Rule 8: Spending money on stupid shit.

The Raikage- Glorious Leader of Kumogakure, Undisputed Top Shinobi, Stressed Beyond Belief- was working at desk. The papers in front of him were the quarter's financial budget. A had noticed something was off about the numbers and was taking a closer look. "Hmm.", he hummed, eyes scanning the print, "500 to Supplies, 1000 to HR, and- what?!"

A reared back incredulously. "3000 for renovations on the women's bathroom! What the hell?!"

He got up furiously and stomped out of his office. He marched down the hall to the door that was labeled 'Women' and slammed it open. What met his eyes was something like a miniature spa. Couches, massage chairs, deep-bowl sinks, vending machines. There were even a few beds somewhere in the back. The women who were currently in there looked at him sheepishly.

"Hey, boss." Karui said and laughed nervously.

A scowled and said angrily "3000 dollars! And you turned the bathroom into a goddamn spa!"

Mabui grimaced and got up from her spot on a sofa. "Well, I thought it would be useful."

He raised his eyebrow at her.

"I mean, there are couches and beds to treat wounds, and we've got a ton of healing supplies." She gestured to a row of cabinets and looked at him beseechingly.

A rubbed the bridge of nose. "Fine goddamn it. But don't do anything like that again without my permission."

Mabui smiled "I won't! Now do you want to get out of here?"

"Right, yeah." A walked backwards out the door, pulling it closed.


End file.
